Ladies, Slut Shaming Can Come From Anywhere

December 21, 2015 – Be Careful Ladies, Your Slut Shaming Can Come From Anywhere
by Coleen Singer at Sssh.com Porn For Women

I thought I had found a friend in him. A new friend, with a nice guy. He was so sweet. When I was in between homes before moving into my new flat, he offered his flat up to me – even though he wasn’t in the city. He said he would mail me his keys. We were friends, and in a new city filled with unfamiliar faces, a new friend is always appreciated – especially one that was kind too.

He knew I was a sex writer, seemed to be cool with it. I talk about sex openly, not only because I love talking about it but mainly because I want to demystify talking about sex. It shouldn’t be this taboo thing we giggle with our girlfriends about. We should be able to talk about it openly and without guilt, judgement or shame – the same as you would talk about anything really. This isn’t always a simple task as I would’ve imagined. Talk about sex casually and men will most likely think you’re either a) Hitting on them; b) Will sleep with anyone. Women will most likely think a) You’re a slut; b) Trying to sleep with their men. Not all men and women of course. But many.

Open-minded lad
He seemed cool with it though. We would screen capture funny Tinder profiles to send to each other. Or pick Tinder dates and dare each other to go on them. We talked openly about sex and dating and past relationships. Just as friends do. Friendship wise, this was going great.

Until of course that one time he tried to go home with me. I said, “No.” He sulked for a few days. We were both drunk, so I gave him a pass, because, alcohol. The things got a little weird. Just a tad bit at first, I hardly noticed. A sly phrase thrown in when I was going on a date – “Well, he gets your time.”

When things took a turn
Then there was the porn film festival (Yes that’s a thing), and I asked him to come along to watch some films. These were more artsy films, or political in nature, it wasn’t the usual wham-bam-thank-you-mam of usual porn films. And his response shocked me.

“God, you’re obsessed!” he wrote in Whatsapp.
“With what? Sex?” I replied, hoping he’d say anything but…
“Yes!”
“I’m a sex writer, what do you expect?”
“Haha! I’m kidding!” he deflected. A quick glimpse into his psyche, and then it was gone. I should’ve taken notice but he apologized and I wanted to believe he was not that guy. He reined it in, and things went on as usual.

We are more than friends?
Of course it wouldn’t stay that way! Duh. Later that week he tried kissing me and when I refused and firmly stated that we’re just friends, he told me he didn’t believe me. Because according to him, he felt something between us. Basically he wanted to bang me, and my not wanting it was getting in his way. I don’t know why the signs that were clearing blaring a red and loud, “Get out! Get out now!!” didn’t phase me. Probably because of the past months of hanging out and the good times we had, I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. He seemed mature and if I could salvage the friendship, I wanted to.

That slut call
A week later, we were planning for the weekend. I had a party on Saturday and he wanted to see me Sunday for a walk (we did this quite often). Knowing I might end up hungover on Sunday, I told him, “I dunno about Sunday! Depends on how Saturday goes!” I would be down for a walk if I weren’t hungover, but if I were, then I’d prefer to just eat lots of carbs and hibernate with Netflix (who wouldn’t?).

His response?

“You’re such a slut! Not. lol”

This is when my brain finally clicked on (gee thanks brain). This man was slut shaming me because I didn’t want to sleep with him. He imagined me going to a party and fucking everyone but him and that pissed him off, because somehow I owed him sex for being nice to me?

I stopped talking to him after that. He apologized again and again. But even his apology was annoying. He thought he hurt my feelings. You didn’t hurt my feelings fool! You annoyed me! You overstepped. You put on your Mr. Nice Guy mask and pretended to be a good friend and when you didn’t get what you wanted, you thought you’d bring me down a peg or two by first passive aggressively trying to shame me, then out-rightly calling me a slut and then trying to brush it off as a joke.

No shame in the sex game
I know what I do, and I choose to do it because I love what I do. I see no shame in liking sex, in thinking that it is a normal part of life. Whether I want to have sex daily, all the time, with everyone, or not, is no ones business but my own. And I most certainly don’t need a baby-like, immature, passive aggressive, man-boy trying to manipulate me to fuck him.
Basically ladies, what i’m trying to say here in my long winded way is, don’t let assholes like these take away your shine. Be vigilant with people (both men and women do this) who will likely throw shade at you, overtly or covertly because they’re not getting something they want out of you. They want to bend your will to suit theirs. Don’t let them. Go out and be free to fuck! Amen.

About The Author:

Coleen Singer is a writer, photographer, film editor and all-around geeky gal at Sssh.com, where she often waxes eloquent about sex, porn, sex toys, censorship, the literary and pandering evils of Fifty Shades of Grey and other topics not likely to be found on the Pulitzer Prize shortlist. She is also the editor and curator of EroticScribes.com. When she is not doing all of the above, Singer is an amateur stock-car racer and enjoys modifying vintage 1970s cars for the racetrack. Oh, she also likes porn.

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